A heartbreaking, lyrical story for all of those who have fantasised about escaping their daily lives and starting over.
Michael Kabongo is a British-Congolese teacher living in London on the cusp of two identities. On paper, he seems to have it all – he’s loved by his students, popular with his colleagues, and enjoys the pride of his mother who emigrated from the Congo. But behind closed doors, he’s been struggling with the overwhelming sense that he can’t improve the injustices he sees – from his efforts to change the lives of his students, to his attempts to transcend the violence that marginalises young Black men around the world.
Then Michael suffers a devastating loss, and his life is thrown into a tailspin. As he struggles to find a way forward, memories of his fathers’ violent death, the weight of being a refugee, and an increasing sense of dread threaten everything he’s worked so hard to achieve.
Longing to escape the shadows in his mind and start anew, Michael decides to spontaneously pack up and go to America, the mythical ‘land of the free,’ where he imagines everything will be better, easier – a place where he can become someone new, someone without a past filled with pain. On this transformative journey, Michael travels from New York City to San Francisco, partying with new friends, sparking fleeting romances, and splurging on big adventures.
In the back of his mind, Michael has a plan: follow his dreams until the money in his bank account runs out, and then he will decide if his life is truly worth living…
The Selfless Act of Breathing is split into then and now chapters which alternate throughout the novel. The now chapters see Michael fly out to America with his life’s savings ($9,021), intending to have a little fun, but with the intention of taking his own life once his money runs out. He starts in San Francisco, gradually making his way to New York, and has no specific plans beyond seeing where fate takes him – just going with the flow and seizing whatever opportunities come his way. The before chapters see Michael in London working as a secondary school teacher and gradually revealing the reasons behind his decision to head to America. These chapters make it clear to the reader that Michael is drowning, and we see him become increasingly withdrawn from those around him. It’s noticed by his friends and colleagues, and yet he feels unable to talk to them, instead bottling everything up inside, and unintentionally pushing away those who care for him.
While the subject matter makes this hard to read at times, I found the before chapters more engaging than the now chapters. J. J. Bola perfectly captures the way in which an individual who needs help might not feel that they can ask for it, or even accept help when it’s offered to them freely. He can’t seem to articulate how he feels – he does try– and so loses himself to those feelings. These chapters become increasingly poignant as the novel progresses as his decision and the reasons behind it take shape. It’s brilliantly done and feels raw and emotional. Once that decision is made, however, the novel became a little directionless for me as Michael goes to America with no intention other than to see what happens, although tension is added by the countdown of how much money Michael has remaining at the end of each chapter, and with some events seeing his savings take more of a hit than others.
I really enjoyed reading about Michael’s experiences as a teacher – a role that I’ve always felt is a calling more than a choice, and something that I couldn’t do. I love Michael’s interactions with his pupils, both the good ones and those who need a little more encouragement. It’s clear that he’s incredibly dedicated to his role, and I love the attention he gives even to those who are more often than not written off as trouble. That he gets through to those pupils is a testament to his skill and dedication. These sections – along with his interactions with friend, Jalil – give a good insight in Michael’s character as a kind, caring individual who is happy to support those around him, juxtaposed with a sadder tone as we see Michael becoming increasingly unhappy over time.
Throughout, I hoped that something would happen to change his mind, but even though he seems less burdened in America, it’s clear that he’s still not entirely happy. Some relatively minor incidents serve to remind the reader that he’s not simply on holiday, and moments with a certain carefree joie de vivre – he meets a young woman in a bar and impulsively suggests that they head to LA – are balanced out with darker moments where his thoughts once again take over. The structure of the novel successfully draws the reader in, revealing neither the reason behind his flight to America nor the outcome of that trip until the end of the novel.
The Selfless Act of Breathing is published by Dialogue Books, and is a novel that I recommend, although given the mentions of suicide and depression, this may not suit everyone.
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